It’s that time again…the time when people tell me that my blog gets depressing because I talk about eating disorders for a full week. But guess what folks? It’s my blog. And could talk all about feline AIDS for a week and there’s nothing you could do to stop me! Plus, once you’ve been through an eating disorder (or any sort of personal struggle), it’s important to examine where you’ve come from in order to be proud of all you’ve accomplished in your healing.
NEDA Week is important to me because I truly think that if I realized that my disorder was just that: a disorder…sooner, perhaps I wouldn’t have had so far to climb back up.
In October, I was asked to speak at an Eating Disorder conference. This week, I plan to post my speech in chunks. If you read last year’s NEDA posts, you know the story. Nevertheless, I am taking this week to “Talk About It” because I think it’s important to realize that this disorder affects so many more people than you think it does. It’s not a sorority girl disorder, it’s not a celebrity disorder, heck, it’s not even a woman’s disorder. I can promise you that I’m not the only person you know who has struggled with an eating disorder. If I can help one person understand what it means to go through this and to get healthy, I’m happy to have “depressing” posts for a week.
Keep in mind that I gave this speech in October so some of the information is outdated. Also remember that I wrote it just as I’d be speaking it…so some of that may not translate to paper. Nevertheless, here goes…
I am not the skinniest girl in this room. And for a very long time, that would have made me crazy. By now, I would have compared myself with every single person in this room and done a little line up in my head comparing myself with each and every person's body. And if mine wasn't the tiniest, there was only one explanation: I was fat, fat, failure. Because clearly, the size of my hips, the width of my stomach, and the girth in my thighs was the best barometer for success. Never mind the fact that I had a fantastic husband, an amazing family, a good education, wonderful friends. None of that mattered if I wasn't the skinniest person in this room.
My name is (withheld). And just a few years ago, I was sitting on a chair in the Behavioral Health center of Children's Hospital fighting back tears as I waited for my new therapist to call my name for our first appointment. I knew that if I listened to her and did what she told me to do, there was only one way this could end: I would get fat. I would be "recovered" like my husband and family wanted me to be, but I'd be fat. Well, here I am, 3 years later. And I can honestly tell you that the reason I have a pudgy stomach has much more to do with the 7 month old baby sitting in the back of this room than it does with me following her advice.
When I was asked me to speak at this conference, I honestly thought I was completely ill-prepared to stand up here and speak about my experience with Anorexia. First of all, I didn't ever really view myself as a "bad anorexic." I don't really know what that means—since the fact that I wasn't a "bad anorexic" somehow implies that such a thing exists as a "good anorexic." But nevertheless, I never got below 100 pounds. I never had to be hospitalized. I never even lost my period. So in my mind, I never fully succeeded at the whole eating disorders game. So when I was presented this opportunity, I kind of felt like a fake telling her that I would share my story. I pictured myself standing up here and having all these men and women who had been the "bad anorexics" or "bad bulimics" look at me and think, "She doesn't know what she is talking about." But, I accepted anyway. And as I sat writing this speech wondering what to talk about, I kicked myself for telling the presenters 'yes.' You see, when I accepted the invitation to speak here today, I had just given birth to my son. I thought, "By the time October rolls around, I am sure I'll have some wonderful insights on how recovery, pregnancy, and new motherhood can all work together for good and how if you just love yourself enough, the weight will melt away and your baby will sleep through the night and you too can have it all!" Well. Guess what? It's October. And I still don't fit into my pre-baby jeans and I woke up at 4 am to a hungry baby. So. I guess we'll just have to improvise.
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