In order to understand where I am today, I guess it's best to look at where I started.
Sometimes it bothers me to hear people talk about eating disorders in the context of control. I remember hearing talk shows and magazine articles about how eating disorders aren't really about the person wanting to be thin--they are about the person wanting to be in control. I always thought that was crap. Because for me, it wasn't about control. Unless we are talking about controlling the ever expanding size of my waist. For me, it was all about being thin. At least in the beginning...
When I was in middle school, I began to gain weight. I think it was a mix of puberty and well...eating. A ton. I was extremely unhealthy and I remember calculating one time that my daily calorie intake was somewhere around 3,000 calories. But I really attributed it to puberty and growing up. Of course my jeans size was getting bigger each year. I was a kid! Kids grow up. When I went away to college, I decided that I didn't want to miss out on the true college experience. I too needed my very own Freshman Fifteen! I remember seeing girls on campus who were super tiny and I'd see them head to the gym before class every morning. I tried that a couple times but when I didn't lose 25 pounds after a single work out, I decided it was more trouble than it was worth.
The summer after my first year of college, I was a nanny all summer. Chasing a 4 year old and a 7 year old all summer would cause anyone to drop a few pounds. When I went back to school in the fall, I got all sorts of compliments for my tiny little weight loss. And I'll tell you what, it felt good. I loved hearing people ask, "Did you lose weight?" So I started watching what I ate just a bit more carefully. Then the next summer, my mom joined Weight Watchers when I was home. I decided I'd join too so I could lose 5 pounds. Honestly, at that point I was still a little overweight so it was actually a healthy decision.
Let me just say that I think that Weight Watchers is a great program and when followed properly, can really help people. And it did. My mom and I both lost 10 pounds that summer and felt great. But you know what makes people compliment you even more than if you lose 5 pounds? If you lose 10 pounds! Going back to school that next year was like going to a party where you're the guest of honor and all eyes are on you! Everyone told me how good I looked and I loved seeing that number on the scale drop more and more every time I got on it. By that point, I'd hit my target weight loss goal. But hey, what was 5 more pounds?
For about a year, I was a healthy, confident, thin girl. No, I wasn't the skinniest girl in the room. But I wasn't comparing myself to every other person so I didn't even notice. I just felt good. When my now-husband proposed to me at the beginning of my senior year of college, I decided I wanted to lose just 5 more pounds so I could look the best I could on our wedding day and I would finally feel confident enough to wear a bikini on our honeymoon. On our wedding day,I was 120 pounds and I felt beautiful.
Does anyone in here read the website "Post Secret"? I remember reading one a few years ago, before my eating disorder really evolved into what it became, that said something to the effect of "Law School Gave me the Discipline to Perfect My Eating Disorder." I never really understood what that meant until 1) I went to law school and 2) I perfected the eating disorder that had been planted inside of me every time I saw the scale drop just one more pound. Yes, my eating disorder didn't start out about control. But it certainly ended up being about it.
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